When the MC was announcing the break she walked down the aisle to the stage, said sth to him that we could hear, got on stage grabbed the mic and started: "TonightI had witness the most disgusting and repulsive thing I have evera seen in my entire life, against my own will. Young people full of illusions were here tonight givong the best of themselves, trying to make a dream come true. They have been exposing themselves in what I believe is one of the most difficult tasks in life: make others laugh. And while they were struggeling under your judgemental looks THAT MAN OVER THERE - pointing at me at the end of the room - THAT DETESTABLE, REPUGNANT AND GROSS MAN WAS SHITTING ON THE FLOOR!!
All of a sudden I felt trapped, cornered... My only thought was, how could a person, who just showed so much empathy (and sympathy) for stand up comedian do such an abomination: Publicly humiliate me in front of the crowd I was supposed to dazzle and make fall for me ten minutes later do that?!
I felt this rage I feel when somebody is being unfair, that I started shouting at her, swearing and calling her a liar. And since I had my pants on and no scatological evidence far and wide, people believed me. She had made a fool out of her self.
Some minutes later when almost everybody was outside smoking and waiting for the second part to begin, you could still feel the tension in the room. So I turned to her and asked so that people lef in the room could hear it "Are ou happy now? Did you have your minute of attention? Can you feel the tense and unfriendly atmosphere that you have just created? I mean I had pants down, but only as a gag between her and me and nobody was supposed to know."
She agreed with her head. I could see in her face how embarrassed, humiliated and bad she felt. Just like I have felt not two minutes ago, just like that shit that was ready to do its appearance on that little newspaper stage, but didnt have the drive, the energy and the strengh to do so.
TODAY IS THE BIG DAY
And all I can wish for is not to be the stage frightened shit that got stage frightened and never showed up (though it was she was meant to do in her short life).
Not to be me either; that coward me who didn't have the strengh and the guts to take responsability of his deeds and in his aim not to be made accountable went to discredit and publicly humiliate that woman.
All I want to be right now is her: Brave, courageous, idealistic, who stood for her beliefs and to what she thought was the right thing to do. This woman in my dream is the part of myself that I recurringly tend to smother and to oppress, in the name of fear.
So I should really go now and get ready for tonight and finally take that shit.
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